What We Talk About When We Talk About
the Eighties

It's common and normal for each generation to briefly despise its own youth, just as it's normal to be embarrassed by the poetry you wrote in high school. Probably this is helped along by the derision heaped upon the recent past by the newest generation of teenagers, but they can't be blamed: it is for each generation of teens to set itself up in opposition to the previous crew.

But: enough is enough. It may be natural to hide one's eyes at the hairstyles of the Eighties, but the current media portrayal of the Eighties is ridiculous and unfair. A recent (and endlessly replayed) VH1 "Top 80 of the 80's" series, hosted by Emilio Estevez (go ahead, hide your eyes) showed the host sheepishly apologizing for the entire decade, at the same time as showing some of its best video moments. Another unfair portrayal: a recent article in Toronto's worst newspaper, Which Decade Rocked the Hardest? left the entire 1980's decade off the list, with the explanation that there was nothing worth mentioning.

Good lord. Chew your own arm off to show the kids you're "cool" (contextual definition of cool: still young and still hip). It has been my experience that it is inherently impossible for actual adults (as opposed to stars) to be cool. And who gives a shit? If your self-image is based on the opinions of people younger than you, you already aren't cool (contextual definition of cool: not an asshole).

Here's a quick and dirty refutation of the argument that the 80's aren't worth mentioning: The Talking Heads. The Replacements. Husker Du. U2: The Unforgettable Fire, Joshua Tree. ABC. XTC. Boomtown Rats. Bowie's Let's Dance. Kate Bush. Costello. The Cure. Crowded House. Pixies. King Crimson: Discipline. Back in Black. B-52's. Public Enemy. Beastie Boys. Lots of good Clash (but not Clash Mark II). Dexy's Midnight Runners (relisten to Too-Rye-Aye if you don't believe me). J. Geils Band Love Stinks and Freeze Frame. Living Colour. Lemonheads. Sugarcubes. TPOH. Laurie Anderson. Michelle Shocked. Tracy Chapman. Jonathan Richman. REM. The Police. Mary Margaret O'Hara's Miss America. Run DMC. Eurythmics. Billy Bragg. Prince. The Violent Femmes. Pet Shop Boys. Paul Simon's Graceland. Tears For Fears' Seeds of Love. Bauhaus. Love and Rockets. Tom Waits rebirth. Van Halen. Spinal Tap. The Smiths. The Pogues.

Plus: The early 80's was a great time for radio-singles, equalled only by the 50's. A lot of the stuff on those "Wacky 80's" collections is good stuff, despised only for the fashions that went with it. Blinded Me With Science, Politics of Dancing, Don't You Want Me, most of Hall and Oates singles... The list may be debatable, but I'd argue that radio hasn't been as good since 83.

Naturally, many bad things happened in the 80's. New technologies were embraced before they were fully understood, which gives production qualities on many records an extremely dated and plastic sound: check out Cyndi Lauper's She's So Unusual for an example of a fantastic pop record almost destroyed for perpetuity by its sound. And the "blockbuster" phenomenon which ruined Hollywood after Star Wars happened to pop music in the 80's with the runaway success of Michael Jackson and Madonna. Marketers and businessmen (salesman cheats and liars) licked their palms and wreaked havoc. True. Want proof that much of the music of the 80's was possibly some of the worst ever? One compound word: Whitesnake.

But fuck it: The same kinds of lists could be made about any decade. The Fifties had Pat Boone. The Sixties had Sonny and Cher, and the goddamned Moody Blues. The Seventies had sooo much bad music it isn't funny -- but with distance we can see good stuff and giggle about the bad.

Secondly, the real proof lies in the pudding, and whether pudding is good or not depends on one's taste. People with good taste didn't wear those Frankie shirts, didn't like Whitesnake in the first place. People who did should give themselves a break. We were kids, and even those of us with good taste looked pretty silly most of the time. You're supposed to look silly in your teens -- and you're supposed to think you don't until later.

Thirdly, a decade is a really long time. Lots happens in ten years. The only way one can make claims that an entire decade sucks is if one is a trend-hopping weiner whose taste is written externally by marketers and radio station managers. And good music is not for these people, anyway. If you listen to whatever's put in front of you, you have no real right to claim opinions about anything. Pay attention: there is always good music. It just isn't always on the radio.